You have lost the love you first had (Revelations 2)

“I know your works, your labour, and your endurance,
and that you cannot tolerate the wicked;
you have tested those who call themselves Apostles but are not,
and discovered that they are impostors.
Moreover, you have endurance and have suffered for my name,
and you have not grown weary.
Yet I hold this against you:
you have lost the love you had at first.
Realize how far you have fallen.
Repent, and do the works you did at first.
Otherwise, I will come to you
and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent." (Revelations 2:1-5)

This was the first reading of today’s Mass and I felt a lot of it referred to me. Yes its true I have not been working as hard at my own salvation as I did when I first began to understand the message of the Scriptures that compels us to serve God by reaching out to His children in loving service.
I used to spend much more time praying & looking for ways to help strangers. I used to do more voluntary work. I used to give more money to people who were in need.
I guess that is what the Angel meants when it said, "You have lost the love you first had.."

In recent years I have been very selfishly concerning myself for my human happiness & material well-being and perhaps neglecting the mission of bringing faith, hope and love to life.
I have focussed on exposing the faults of others and neglecting the plank in my own eye. I can't really preach on this section of the Book of Revelations (Apocalypse) except to acknowledge it applies to myself.  

I was at Mass tonight as usual and the priest (who knows I am there) probably thought I didn’t see the parallels to my own situation so he emphasised them twice. Yes its true that some people have assumed that by breaking my promise of celibacy, I am sinning. I can understand how they feel that way because I used to believe myself that if I priest leaves his priestly ministry to marry a woman, he was being selfish and neglecting the mission that God had called him to. That was before I came to realise that God didn't call me to renounce my sexuality and serve the Catholic community exclusively as a celibate priest - that was my idea.
The priest said, “Everyone has access to the grace that God makes available when they approach the Eucharistic table." Then he took a long pause, before saying  ".. if they are in the “state of grace”. (The state of grace refers to being in a situation free from sin).

Maybe I am just hyper-sensitive but I got the feeling he is accusing me of NOT being in the state of grace. But by giving up my celibacy and my Catholic priesthood, I am still expected to work hard for my salvation and to help others come to know the knowledge of the Truth.
I do still feel that I need to do think more about working harder for my own salvation than I currently do.
 
The Angel in that passage of the Book of Revelation implies that Heaven is not easy to get into and we should all make tremendous efforts to show our desire to attain it. If we compare the amount of effort we might put into our career, our bodily presentation, or our sports, we ought to make some comparable effort to look after our eternal soul.

Thinking about how little effort I am making now compared to what I first exerted, then I understand that I need to get back the love I first had.